Ah, the holidays! Festive red poinsettias, the smell of pine needles and baked goods, and the lovely glow of Christmas lights woo us into the holiday spirit. But the reality is that even happy, healthy families experience stress and conflict, especially over the holidays when there’s added pressure to meet everyone’s expectations. Effective tools to navigate family conflict over the holidays can help alleviate anxiety, and restore optimism about getting together with your loved ones.
Are you trying to stay positive about the upcoming family holiday gathering but can’t get stressful images from the past out of your mind?
Such as how embarrassed you felt with Dad after he had one too many rum infused egg nogs, or when Mom launched one too many passive aggressive comments that finally put you over the edge?
Or maybe you’re dreading your own pattern of self attack, and the inadequacy that gets triggered with certain friends and family members?
This blog will provide effective tools to navigate family conflict over the holidays, such as practicing self compassion, understanding your triggers, and being mentally prepared when conflict arises.
When we get stressed it’s common for our reactions to take over, and before we know it we say or do something hurtful.
Read on to learn how to be compassionate with yourself when you make mistakes, and repair so you can navigate family conflict and keep the peace over the holidays.
Cutting off family members is a last resort when keeping them in our lives is too destructive to our well being, but this very difficult decision should only come after calm, careful consideration, and not done out of anger or impulsivity.
1. Set Realistic Expectations and Acknowledge Emotional Triggers
Despite the story that the sparkly social media images tell, the truth is that there is no ideal cookie cutter family, and many of us get triggered by certain family members behaviour, and need tools to navigate family conflict over the holidays.
As the beloved spiritual teacher, Ram Dass said, “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family”.
When we spend time with family, it can stir up old wounds and unresolved feelings. As the feelings rise, old patterns of reactivity, withdrawal, overcompensating, self attack, or devaluing family members who trigger us can take hold.
Acknowledging that the holidays is tough for many people helps to reduce shame, and foster self compassion so that we can take steps that empower us to be resilient during challenging moments.
2. Understand the Root of Conflict
At the root of the reactions that hijack us during family conflicts are unresolved feelings from past conflicts.
Mixed feelings with our loved ones can drive anxiety, and the reactions that take over when we’re stressed.
Self reflection can help us get a deeper understanding of ourselves, and gain control over our reactions.
Jane gets really triggered when her Mom reaches out to her.
“Whenever she calls or texts me, I don’t know whether to talk to her, or ignore her. It feels like no matter what I do will make it worse.”
From the time Jane was a child her Mom’s big emotions dominated the family landscape. Dad pressured Jane and her siblings to hide their feelings, and contort themselves to keep the peace with Mom.
“I’m so tired of doubting myself, and feeling scared of her disappointment with me.” she said.
When Jane slowed down, she realized that her anxiety and self doubt about how to respond to her Mom stemmed from unresolved feelings with her Mom for being overly critical, rather than giving Jane the encouragement and acceptance she always longed for.
Processing her feelings helped Jane let go of her anxiety, process her feelings and set appropriate limits with her Mom
3. Prepare for Stressful Moments
Trying to make others happy while juggling busy schedules and travel can wear us down, and make it harder to keep our cool when family conflict arises.
Effective tools to navigate family conflict over the holidays can alleviate anxiety, and help us feel more prepared when difficulties with family members arise.
Make a Self Care Plan
To prepare yourself mentally, make a plan for how you will carve out time for self care over the holidays.
Growing up as the oldest son with a Dad who was often away, Edgar felt a lot of pressure to be the man of the house. He developed the habit of taking charge, and doing everything himself.
The down side of this pattern is that Edgar tends to do too much, and then become exhausted and resentful.
When Edgar is in this state and his wife asks him to do one more thing, he can fly off the handle with her, and then feel guilty and despondent.
“I want to talk to my wife about this pattern where I try to do it all rather than ask for help.” he said.
Edgar reflected on his family’s expectations around social obligations then set limits that felt right for him, including prioritizing a daily outdoor walk break to reduce stress.
“I’m only human” he said.
“I know that being thoughtful and prepared to communicate with my family will make all the difference!” he said.
4. Handling Conflict in the Moment
Conflict with loved ones over competing wants and needs is inevitable.
Every situation is unique, but getting a deeper understanding of our our feelings and needs in high conflict family situations is a first step.
This is best done when we are not in the situation.
With the benefit of hindsight, we can build a bridge between the prefrontal cortex (PFC), and the amygdala.
The PFC is the part of our brain involved in executive functions (planning, organizing, decision making, and problem solving) as well as inhibition and self control.
When the PFC gets hijacked by the amygdala, the part of our brain that is wired to detect fear and threats, we can end up in a fight or flight reaction that has a negative impact on our communication and relationships.
Taking the time to process the feelings that got hijacked by fight-flight reactions when we are not in the situation, and with our PFC online, can help us build our distress tolerance, and stay calm, regulated, and in control when high conflict family situations arise.
Marshall grew up on a farm in a remote Northern town with very little access to other kids, and activities. His Mom’s absence combined with his Dad’s stoic, at times explosive behavior, was lonely.
To cope with the isolation, and to gain his Dad’s approval, Marshall developed indispensible mechanical skills, and became his Dad’s right hand man.
When Marshall and his girlfriend are in conflict, he argues, blames, and withdraws. This behaviour has left a trail of break ups, heart break, and depression in his wake.
“I feel like Jane and are on shaky ground right now, and I know I have to deal with my anger more effectively so we can get through conflicts over the holidays.”
With the benefit of hindsight, soul searching, and emotional work, Marshall was able to lean into his anger in a new and healthy way, and felt more confident that he could control his urge to blame, argue, and withdraw, and instead communicate in a calm, respectful manner with Jane.
5. Effective Communication Strategies
Listening and reframing are essential for communicating your needs, including the healthy boundaries you need.
Listening
When people don’t feel like you’ve heard them, they will often repeat the same message over and over.
It’s important to not only listen to what the other person is saying, but to also listen for the needs, hopes, desires, concerns, and fears behind their words.
Reframing
Reframing is a response that accurately reflects the needs, hopes, desires, concerns, and fears in the other person’s message.
When we take the time to reframe what we heard, it helps others feel understood, and reduces adversarial dynamics.
Example:
“It sounds like when I didn’t call the plumber to come fix the toilet, it brought up your fear that I’m another person in your life who you can’t rely on, and you really want to feel secure that you can count on me. Is that right?”
Only 7% of communication is based on words, and 93% is based on non verbal cues, such as tone, pace, facial expressions, and body language, so how you say what you say has a huge impact on how your message will be received.
Set Boundaries with Non Violent Communication (NVC)
Non violent communication (NVC) focuses on techniques to both foster empathy and communicate your boundaries clearly through these four simple steps:
a) Observe
With the PFC online, objectively describe what is happening without blaming or judging, and using a disarming tone of voice.
Example: “You forgot to call the plumber.”
b) Feelings
Express your feelings without attributing them to the other person’s actions.
Example: “I feel frustrated because I was counting on you to take care of that (said with a calm, neutral tone of voice).”
c) Needs
Understand and convey your underlying needs, values, or desires.
Example: “When it comes to our home, I need to know that I can rely on you. This is so important to me because in so many of my relationships the people I needed to rely on let me down. The care you take to be accountable will really help me to feel secure with you.”
d) Requests
Make a clear, specific, and actionable request to address those needs.
Example: “Would you please call the plumber by the end of the day?”
As you move through these steps, remember to:
- Check with whether your loved one is available to talk. If not, see if they can agree to an alternative time to talk.
- Use a calm, collaborative tone of voice.
- Wherever possible use “I” statements when you express your feelings
- Avoid assigning blame.
If you are following these steps and your loved one becomes anxious and defensive, be prepared to deviate from the script, such as “Let’s take a break and re-vist this later.”
6. Create a Peaceful Environment
Consider planning activities that promote togetherness and joy to set the tone for a loving, enjoyable holiday experience.
Some ideas:
- Invite your family members to help you create a playlist of songs that are meaningful to you all.
- Board games like Apples to Apples, Scattergories, or Pictonary could be fun!
- Craft table
- Nature walks
- Create a family photo album together
Some topics of conversations are polarizing, and best avoided to keep the peace.
Make Agreements to:
- Avoid topics that are contentious and polarizing
- Rotate responsabilities to ease the stress on any one family member
7. When to Step Away from Conflict: Knowing When Silence is Stronger Than Engagement
In the heat of a conflict, emotions can run high, and reactions can be driven by frustration, fear, or even pride. Sometimes the most powerful action is to simply step away to preserve the relationship, safeguard your emotional well-being, and maintain your composure.
It’s better to pause and take a step back when:
1. Emotions Are Overwhelming
If you or the other party are emotionally charged, and things are escalating in an unhealthy direction, it’s wise to take a break.
You can say:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, and I need a break. I would like to revisit this when I feel more calm.”
Then walk away, breathe, and take time to cool off so that you can have a more thoughtful, calm conversation when you return to the issue.
2. When the Conflict is Unproductive
If you’ve reached a point where neither side is listening, understanding, or finding common ground, stepping away will give you both time to reflect, gain a clearer perspective, and reconsider how to resolve the issue.
3. When It’s Becoming Personal or Toxic
A healthy disagreement focuses on issues, not character. When insults, accusations, or hurtful comments are introduced—it shifts from being a constructive discussion to a personal attack. In these situations, it’s essential to step back.
4. When the Other Person is Not Open to Resolution
Conflict resolution requires a willingness from both parties to listen and compromise. If you find that the other person is not open to discussing the issue calmly, or is refusing to acknowledge your perspective, further engagement may be futile.
5. When You Are Being Manipulated or Gaslighted
If you’re being manipulated, gaslighted, or coerced into a conversation that feels like an unfair battle or an emotional trap, it’s crucial to recognize this dynamic early and disengage. Manipulative tactics are designed to make you doubt yourself, your feelings, and your perceptions. In these moments, stepping away not only protects your emotional health but also helps you regain clarity. It’s important to trust your instincts and set boundaries by removing yourself from toxic situations.
8. When the Conflict is Based on Fundamental Differences
Sometimes, conflicts arise from deeply held beliefs or values that cannot be reconciled, no matter how much you discuss them. In these cases it may be more productive to agree to disagree rather than continue a fruitless argument. In these cases, stepping away helps preserve mutual respect and acknowledges that not all differences need to be resolved in the moment.
Stepping away from conflict doesn’t mean surrendering or giving up—it’s a conscious choice to protect your emotional well-being. By recognizing when it’s time to pause, you give yourself the opportunity to return to the conflict with a calmer, clearer perspective, which is essential for effective communication.
9. Mending Relationships Post-Holiday
If you do lose it with your family, be compassionate with yourself. Remember that you are not defined by your worst moment, and relapsing into an old pattern doesn’t mean all your growth is lost.
Getting off the path of your authentic self is an opportunity to learn from your mistakes, and be more resilient to your triggers next time.
It can also be tempting to villainize the other person, and get stuck in bitterness and resentment. Try to keep a balanced perspective on what each of you did to amplify the conflict, and role model taking responsability for any behaviour you don’t feel good about.
10. When to go No Contact With Family Members
Going no contact with family is not an easy decision which is best come to after a calm, thoughtful process that takes into consideration:
- The Nature of the Relationship
- Your Emotional Needs
- The Impact on Your Mental Health
- Understand the Long-Term Consequences
- Whether there’s a Path Toward Healing or Reconciliation
- Legal and Financial Implications
- Your Support System and Coping Mechanisms
- Your Boundaries and Expectations
- Your Personal Values and Self-Respect
It’s important to weigh these emotional, social, and practical implications carefully. If your relationship with a family member is causing harm and affecting your mental health, cutting ties may be the healthiest choice. However, it’s essential to ensure that your decision is made from a place of clarity and self-care rather than out of anger, impulsivity, or external pressure. Prioritize your well-being and seek support from friends, a therapist, or a support group to help you through the process.
Conclusion
The holiday season can bring opportunities for joy, and heartwarming moments with loved ones, but also difficult situations when we feel triggered. Having effective tools to navigate family conflict over the holidays, such as setting realistic expectations, reflecting on the root of long standing conflicts, and preparing yourself mentally can help you manage difficult relationship dynamics more smoothly. When a relationship with a family member is causing you harm and affecting your mental health, it may be necessary to cut off contact, but this decision is best come to after careful consideration. For the most part, having a self care plan, knowing when to step away, and that you can stay calm and communicate effectively helps maintain healthy relationships, and joyful memories this holiday season!
