When menopause crept up on me, I was frustrated that my body no longer responded the way it once had, and that frustration quietly seeped into my relationship.
Gently pivoting toward curiosity and compassion whenever my body, my partner, or our sexual experiences didn’t match my expectations helped, and that shift allowed me to expand my definition of what good sex could be.
Every person’s experience of menopause is different. Some notice dramatic changes in sexual desire or comfort, while others experience relatively few changes.
If you’ve been wondering whether your sex life is over, gently pivoting toward curiosity and compassion when your expectations don’t get met can help you enter enter a new chapter – one where intimacy with your partner doesn’t depend on narrow definitions of what “good sex” is.
The ways menopause changes our bodies can be stressful. While we can’t control those changes, we can gently pivot away from rigid expectations, self-criticism, and disappointment, and toward self-understanding, compassion, patience, and flexibility. Those qualities become essential ingredients for a deeply satisfying sex life.
NAVIGATING LOSS AND GRIEF
When our bodies age and change, it’s natural to feel loss and grief. Rather than pushing those feelings away, we need to give ourselves permission to experience them with compassion.
FROM SELF-CRITICISM TO SELF-COMPASSION
When grief gives way to self-criticism, it can fuel shame about how our bodies look, feel, and act. Gently pivoting toward curiosity and compassion and interrupting that inner critic can make it easier to stay engaged with intimacy instead of withdrawing from it.
Sophie, a composite of many clients I’ve worked with, noticed that her grief about her changing body had gradually given way to self-criticism and avoidance.
“Penetration just doesn’t feel good anymore. I think I’m just resigned to the fact that I’m sexually broken. That’s why I’ve been avoiding sex,” Sophie said.
“Pain with penetration is a common experience during menopause. It makes sense that you’ve been avoiding sex if it has become painful,” I replied, pausing to let my words—and my reassuring gaze—settle.
“Can we pause for a moment and notice what happens inside you when you tell yourself, ‘I’m broken’?”
She was quiet for a moment.
“That’s a painful story your mind is telling because sex has become difficult. What if we gently reframed it to something like, ‘My body is changing, and I’m learning to adapt with it,’ or ‘I can learn to embrace my changing body.’ How does that feel?”
“That does feel better,” she said, her shoulders relaxing.
Felix, her partner, looked hopeful.
“Looking at Felix, he seems very open to embracing your changing body too. Can you see that?” I asked.
She turned toward him, smiled softly, and reached for his hand.
“Yes,” she said. “I do.”
Rather than trying to eliminate grief, our goal is to make space for it. When grief is met with compassion instead of self-criticism, it becomes easier to adapt, remain connected to ourselves and our partners.
WHAT’S HAPPENING IN YOUR BODY:
Though menopause doesn’t affect every woman the same way, lower estrogen affects tissues, blood flow, lubrication, and arousal in ways that can change how sex feels. These changes often include:
- Thinner, less elastic vaginal lining
- Vaginal dryness/ less natural lubrication
- Pain or burning during penetration
- For many people, desire can become more responsive than spontaneous—emerging after affectionate touch, use of toys or foreplay, and emotional closeness.
- Less blood flow to the genitals
- Weakening in the pelvic floor muscles
- Need more time to become aroused
- Orgasms may take longer to reach and feel different.
While these changes can make sex as you’ve known it more challenging, they are not signs that your body has failed. At the same time, it’s completely understandable to grieve the physical changes menopause brings. Many women mourn not only changes in their sexual function but also shifts in how they see themselves and how they believe others see them.
Gently pivoting toward curiosity and compassion with your changing body, and sexual landscape can help.
A friend of mine in her fifties recently said, “I feel invisible. Men used to flirt with me. Not anymore. They’re my age but they want to date younger women.”
Another friend replied, “Who needs their attention! Their admiration doesn’t define our worth!”
We all smiled because there was truth in her words.
WHAT TURNS US ON AND OFF – OUR DUAL CONTROL SYSTEM
In Come As You Are, acclaimed sex educator, researcher, and author Dr. Emily Nagoski explains that our stress response and our capacity for connection are two of the strongest influences on sexual pleasure.
Think of your sexual response as a car. The accelerator (The Sexual Excitation System) responds to things that turn you on. The brakes (The Sexual Inhibition System) respond to anything your brain interprets as stressful, painful, distracting, unsafe, or emotionally threatening, such as worrying about how we’re performing. During menopause, many more things may be pressing on the brakes than before.
DEEPER ATTACHMENT WOUNDS AND THE STRESS RESPONSE CYCLE
Our stress response and our attachment patterns strongly influence how emotionally connected, sexually responsive, and satisfied we feel in our relationships.
“I understand that it’s hard for Sophie when her expectations don’t get met, and I want to be a good partner. But when she gives up so easily on our intimacy, I feel rejected and frustrated. ” explained Felix. I noticed that as he spoke his jaw tightened, and his shoulders stiffened.
“It sounds like you might make Sophie’s disappointment mean that you’re not enough. Is that right, Felix?”
“Yeah, I think that’s right. If I can’t make her happy, I start believing I’m not enough.” His voice caught, and his shoulders slumped.
As the session unfolded, it became clear that although they were arguing about sex, what was really happening that each of them had emotional brakes that got activated in different ways. Sophie’s brakes were triggered by pain and self-criticism, while Felix’s were triggered by rejection and the fear that he wasn’t enough.
Before we can understand what turns us on, we first have to understand what turns us off.
By slowing down, Sophie and Felix were able to step out of their stress-response cycle and recognize the deeper attachment wounds that got triggered. Insight into their respective vulnerabilities, those that were concealed under their reactivity, softened their stress-response cycle, and this paved the way for communicating more openly during sex, as well as redefining “good sex”, and exploring different kinds of pleasure.
GENTLE PIVOTS & REDEFINING WHAT “GOOD SEX” MEANS
For many couples navigating mid life, redefining “good sex” often requires moving beyond the idea that penetrative intercourse is the only—or best—kind of sex, and a “superior” means to orgasm.
We can soften this and gently pivot to:
- Following curiosity instead of a script
- Spending more time on foreplay
- Using lubricant generously
- Focusing on sensual touch rather than goals
- Experimenting with different positions
- Incorporating vibrators or other sex toys
While helpful, none of these strategies matter as much as the mindset you bring to them. It’s important to take the pressure off. When expectations don’t get met, stay curious, pause, adjust, and gently pivot toward what feels pleasurable, connecting, or being playful.
IF SEX HAS BECOME PAINFUL, HELP IS AVAILABLE
Pain during sex is common during menopause, but it isn’t something you simply have to endure. Many effective treatments are available, including pelvic floor physiotherapy, local vaginal estrogen, hormone therapy (when appropriate), moisturizers and lubricants, and consultation with a healthcare professional who is knowledgeable about menopausal sexual health.
SUMMARY
Menopause doesn’t have to be the end of your sexual story. It can be the beginning of a more intentional, connected, and authentic one.
The key is gently letting go of what you expected and turning toward what is possible instead. When grief arises, give yourself permission to experience it with compassion. Menopause may change how your body experiences sex, but it doesn’t diminish your capacity for pleasure, intimacy, or connection. Your worth comes from who you are, not from trying to fit standards that no longer serve you. When stress or old relationship wounds make intimacy harder, sharing your vulnerability with your partner can soften defensiveness and build trust, love, and emotional security. Redefining what “good sex” means and seeking treatment for pain when needed can open the door to a more connected, pleasurable, and satisfying intimate life. So does gently pivoting away from rigid expectations, self-criticism, and disappointment, and toward self-understanding, compassion, patience, and flexibility. Those qualities become essential ingredients for a deeply satisfying sex life.